Growing Zen

Few things can get you to focus and think as well as the perils of mortality: disability, sickness, disease, old age, death. Those were actually the very things that started the Buddha on his path of enlightenment, witnessing for the first time disability, disease, and death. Treated one way, the awareness of how fragile and tenuous our lives and functioning are could lead to morbid fixation and complete despair. Treated another way, that awareness can free you and bring you more peace and joy.

One of the basic tenets of Buddhism is impermanence. Impermanence is the reality that nothing is fixed, that everything is constantly changing. We grow older from minute to minute. Our emotions, our interests, our abilities and capacities are constantly in flux. Our relationships with others are ever-dynamic. Our cells die and regenerate constantly. So, our minds, our bodies, our friends, our world, our perceptions are impermanent. Everything is in flux.

My experience with Multiple Sclerosis and thyroid disease has been hugely beneficial, specifically once I learned, understood, and accepted the truth of impermanence. I was diagnosed with both in 2011, but my doctors suspect I had both as far back as 2006. That suspicion actually helped soften the blow of the diagnoses: I was aware of what was wrong with my body, but my body didn't suddenly change with the diagnoses. I'd been living with these diseases for years, so the day I found out was really not much different from the day before. I'd survived that long not knowing about my two new friends, knowing that they were there only meant a brighter future because they would now be attended to. With drugs. Haha.

It's been interesting, since they're both progressive diseases, to meditate on them in the context of impermanence. Sure, they'll always be there. As of yet, there are no cures for either. And they may very well worsen as I get older. But they've also improved with proper treatment. All of my symptoms have lessened or disappeared with proper drug treatment (and good diet, great exercise, focus on sleep, meditation, and a positive attitude). So, life has been like riding the waves. There are downs, and there are ups. Neither will last forever. That's the nature of impermanence. The important thing is to be focused and mindful in the present moment, because that's all life is, when you really look at it: the current moment. The current breath. It's only in the present moment that you can move, act, feel. Your entire life is the present moment. We'll all get old, sick, disabled to different degrees, and die. Acceptance of that fact frees you from the suffering of resenting something that you have no power to change. Resentment is the real pain: resentment robs you of the ability to see and absorb the joy of the moment.

May you be happy, may you be well, and may you be free from suffering. :)

The enemies such as hatred and craving
Have neither arms nor legs,
And are neither courageous nor wise;
How, then, have I been used like a slave by them?

For they dwell within my mind,
At their pleasure they cause me harm;
Yet I patiently endure them without anger.
But this is an inappropriate and shameful time for patience.
(Shantideva, The Boddhisatva Way of Life, 4:28-29)

Unhappiness is a conscious, pointless choice
"If maintaining a balanced and happy state of mind even in the face of adversity is a key factor in preventing hatred from arising, we still may wonder how to achieve it. Shantideva says that when you are faced with adverse circumstances, feeling unhappy serves no purpose in overcoming the undesirable situation. It is not only futile but will, in fact, only serve to aggravate your own anxiety and bring about an uncomfortable and dissatisfied state of mind. You lose all sense of composure and happiness. Anxiety and unhappiness gradually eat away inside you and affect your sleep patterns, your appetite, and your health as well. In fact, if the initial harm you experienced was inflicted by an enemy, your mental unhappiness may even become a source of delight for that person. Therefore, it is pointless to feel unhappy and dissatisfied when faced with adverse circumstances or, for that matter, to retaliate against whomever cause you harm." (Tenzin Gyatso, the Fourtheen Dalai Lama, The Compassionate Life, 80)

Smiling at Your Anger (a gatha by Thich Nhat Hanh):
Breathing in, I know that anger makes me ugly.
Breathing out, I do not want to be contorted by anger.
Breathing in, I know I must take care of myself.
Breathing out, I know loving kindness is the only answer.

I love the timeless quality of "I know that anger makes me ugly/I do not want to be contorted by anger." The contortion happens in the moment, and the contortion happens through chronic indulgence of anger. So, anger must be managed in both the moment and in the mindset/lifestyle/thought process.

Mindfulness and embracing negative thoughts and emotions
I've had great success dealing with unpleasant and negative thoughts and emotions by observing them mindfully. To be mindful is to be aware of what is going on, to observe without pursuing or rejecting. My most effective analogy I've discovered so far is mindfulness is like sitting on a park bench, watching people walk by. Your thoughts, feelings, and emotions are those people. You sit and observe, without chasing anyone away, without chasing after anyone. This is how I practice mindfulness meditation, and this is my goal for living mindfully in the moment.
Thich Nhat Hanh (sorry, I didn't write it down so I don't have the citation, but it's in either Going Home: Jesus and Buddha as Brothers or Being Peace) gave me the key for dealing with negative thoughts and emotions: you have to be mindful about them and you have to embrace them. Not as in facing your anger and embracing by saying, "You're awesome! Come in and take over my mind and life!" But as in facing your anger and embracing by saying, "I recognize that you are here. That is fine. I recognize your presence, and I release you."
Whether you reject or pursue something, it is the same outcome. It is to have it control your mind and dictate your actions. So, if you ignore and reject your anger, the outcome is essentially the same as pursuing and indulging your anger. It is psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually damaging.
To acknowledge, mercifully embrace, and release something is to maintain your conscious thought, peace, mental stability, and personal agency. It is to nurture your mind and spirit.

It's kind of a surreal experience to mindfully acknowledge, embrace, and release negative thoughts and emotions. Every time I've been able to do it, I don't even need to consciously release them. As soon as I smile at them and embrace them, they vanish and I'm left with a steady sense of peace and wholeness. It's like they just need love to be transformed.

Come to think if it, isn't that true of everything?