Growing Zen

It's not as dreary or awful as the title may sound :p And despite the impression this post may leave, she's a cute, typically happy kid.

My daughter is 18 months old. She's pretty laid back, most of the time: when she's happy, she's happy for a long time. When she's angry, she's angry for a long time. She's very committed to her emotions, and I admire her dedication. (Hahahaha...) She knows what she wants and is prone to some impressive displays of blind raging when she doesn't get it, or when she has to do something she doesn't want to do.

You know, when she has to endure major life traumas, like getting a diaper change or brushing her teeth.

She has an unmatched screaming capacity. (Her nickname has alternated between "Banshee" and "Harpy" most of her life.) It starts, full tilt, as soon as she realizes what you're about to do to her. With my son, I always gave him a notice of what was about to happen, because that's what all the best parenting books said you should do. It's basic respect, they say. I gave that up with my daughter almost immediately, because a single key word would send her into a supernatural spasms of physical and emotional fury (screaming, throwing, stomping, violent head-shaking, spinning in these pretty funny tiny little circles of helpless frenzy). It was easier to just spring things on her, because it cut down the screams for a few seconds at least. And the lack of effort to stem the inevitable tide made it easier to bear.

I remember watching her writhe, contorted and red-faced, on the changing table one day. I had recently given up trying to calm her down, because it wasted my energy and the uselessness of my best efforts made me feel incredibly impotent and angry. I had also recently started my jaunt into Buddhism. So I took some deep breaths, brought myself mindfully to the present, and told myself (perhaps actually out loud, so I could hear myself over the shrieks), "This is happening. This child is screaming. I can't change it. Stressing or getting angry won't stop her; it'll just make me feel like crap. She'll stop eventually. I can't do anything about it."

Then I looked down at her and realized there are a lot of things in my life that I don't particularly like, that can and actually have caused similar reactions in me (mostly, I hope for the sake of my dignity, internally, but I'd be a dirty liar if I were to say I haven't been a little more...physically and vocally demonstrative...in my displeasure). Sometimes they're things I've brought on myself, sometimes they're just freak occurrences, sometimes they're things I have to do--regardless, they happen, and in the moment, you just have to ride the wave. The unpleasant things themselves don't cause suffering. The screaming, the resistance, the resentment...there's the suffering.

My daughter needs clean diapers. She needs her teeth brushed. She needs a lot of stuff. She'd spend a lot more time happy and dramatically decrease the cortisol (stress hormone--in too great amounts, soooo bad for all aspects of your health*) in her system if she just relaxed, breathed through the moment, smiled, and realized that even the most unpleasant experience isn't permanent, that the current moment is her life and it's up to her to choose whether or not she wants to be happy in her life.

Of course, she is 18 months old :p She's not capable of that kind of reflection or implementation. But thanks to her red, wrinkled, passionately angry face and ear-splitting screams, she helped teach me that lesson. And I've incorporated it and used it well, I think...and not just when I'm riding the waves of her raging craziness, lol. Although it is an incredible time to practice.

So, thanks for being crazy, Harpy :) And I hope one day I can teach you as well as you've taught me. Although...I hope I'll have slightly more sophisticated means of conveying the message ;)

*Cortisol and Stress: How to Stay Healthy