Growing Zen

This is a sort of continuation on the last entry, The Zen of Disease, but mostly an insight I had just now in meditation. Let me set the scene (you'll get the pun in a second):

I just got a lead role in one of our local theatre's shows, The Three Musketeers by Ken Ludwig. I have an amazing part (Sabine!). I'm so stoked to do it, I can't even tell you. Auditioning was a huge obstacle and personal triumph for me (and I had so much fun, that was miraculous), and then I actually got a part. I haven't done any kind of drama since high school (mmmm, 8-10 years ago) and even then it wasn't at this level, so I'm rusty and I've never done this before. I was feeling lost and totally inadequate. And rehearsals just started yesterday. Oh, and I lost my voice yesterday, which I think is the major cause of my current malaise. So, voiceless, I was feeling even smaller, lost-er, and pretty darn disabled (which is saying a lot, considering I have scars in my brain, ya dig?) because I can't even say my lines while I'm trying to keep straight with stage right and stage left (it's really not that hard, there's just a lot going on).

Aaaaanyways...I was feeling really frustrated, angry, and depressed. (You try taking care of a 3.5 year old and 18 month old all day long by yourself without being able to talk. Oh, and then the 3.5 year old goes and hides at JCPenney and you're running everywhere huffing his name and trying to ask people if they've seen him and no one can understand a freaking word you're saying, even though you're yelling at the top of your lungs...but I digress. Oh, second digression: being voiceless has always been the major theme of my worst nightmares. That and cockroaches.) Anyway, I thought, "How lame. Yeah, not having a voice sucks, but I know about impermanence. It won't last forever. I just am really angry with my body for not being well and functional." And then I remembered I just wrote that post about finding joy even when your body sucks. So I knew I'd lost my zen. I went and meditated on impermanence and equanimity. Here's the article I read before meditating, it is perfection: Equanimity and Mindfulness. You really should read the whole thing, it's not that long, but the basic point is to learn how to recognize, observe, and detach yourself from painful, negative emotions. You don't have to change or eliminate them, because that's impossible. They'll always be there. But you can look at them like cars in an endless stream of traffic and simply acknowledge them without climbing into them or slashing their tires, or busting out their windows, or keying them, or trying to set them on fire. Fighting against what is happening to you is what brings suffering. Acknowledging with gentleness allows the transitory emotion or thought to pass peacefully.

So I gave myself a little love: I gave all of my emotions hugs and let them go on their way. (Yes, I realize that makes me sound neurotic, but it's a basic mindfulness tenet. Don't knock it til you try it ;) ) Then I turned to my vocal chords and my body in general and showed them some lovingkindness. I mean, my poor body, to be so screwed up and then have me hating on it for not being perfect. Getting mad at it isn't going to fix it. That's hard on my body and makes me miserable. The best way to do it is to show patience and gentleness and compassion for my body. Positive feelings and improved health are a beautiful cycle. And if I'm not being so pissed off at my body, I can obviously, actually relax, accept, and be happy. (Well, relax as much as I can while I'm kind of worried I might lose my part if I don't heal fast. I'm drinking licorice tea with honey and sucking garlic like a fiend over here.)

Then I started to close my meditation with my lovingkindness verse:
"May I be happy."
And then I stopped. I do want to be happy. Everyone does. And, just like being pissed off at my body, being all stressed out and hard on myself at rehearsals does not make me happy. I had the insight that I need to practice mindfulness, to recognize, observe, and appreciate each moment. Because that's how you're happy: when you realize that the moment that you're in is essentially your entire life (because, remember, the current moment is the only one in which you can act), and when you want to be happy, you'll focus on what to do in that moment that will make you happy. I absolutely want to be at rehearsals. I absolutely want to work hard and do an amazing show. It's my longest life-long dream. If live that desire for happiness moment by moment, focusing on the present moment and realizing how much there is to be happy about, I will be. So, may I be happy :)